The Kroger Experience

This is an absolutely true story, to the best of my memory. Happened just tonight. Prepare yourself, it's somewhat epic. And, as much as it may look it, ZERO exaggeration will be deployed in the telling of this story. In fact, I know I'm forgetting things, but not many. Names and exact locations have been falsified to protect whatever there is to protect.

Once upon a time...

I stopped in at Kroger to get a few things for the weekend. I stroll in, grab a basket and make my way into the Deli/Bakery area that is just past the flowers inside the front door of this particular Kroger. I'm looking for buns that might go well with Italian sausages on the grill, something other than just the standard Wonderbread variety.

Before I even get to the first rack of "upscale" bakery stuff, I hear a woman to my right say, "Ooh, carrot cake, did you see this?" Because I am almost always very situationaly aware of my proximity to other people... be it in the grocery store or on the road driving... I knew I was the only person there within reasonable earshot. I ignored it, assuming she must have seen me in her peripheral and thought I was someone else. "Carrot cake for two for only $1.39! Look!", she says, holding up a plastic see-through box with two square pieces of carrot cake inside. Now I know she's talking to me, a complete stranger. I take it in stride, look over and say, "that looks pretty good, I love carrot cake".

In retrospect, this may have opened the door (wider) for her to talk to me extensively over the next 20 minutes. The woman was a slender blonde, I guessed somewhere in her 50's. Somewhat attractive, looked like someone who maybe had it goin on... about 20 years ago. "My husband"... ok, I don't think she's trying to pick me up... "had a stroke"... aw geez... "and I think he'd like carrot cake."

"I'm sorry to hear that", I reply, genuinely feeling so. She continued, "Yes, I think he'd like this... oh look, German chocolate for two over here!" "Hey, now you can give him a choice", I respond. "No no, he doesn't need choices", she counters. Oopsy on that one, I think... "Then a choice for you!"

By this time, I started directing my attention towards a rack of buns. This did not deter her in the least. "Hey, do they have pumpernickel bread? I love pumpernickel bread!" Always the helpful type, "I don't know. Well, here's some right here." I pick up a loaf that's about 16 inches long but only an inch and a half square, like cracker-size, and hand it to her as she comes over. She looks at it, then turns it over to find an enormous patch of green mold wrapped around one side and under of the loaf. "Ew, this doesn't look very good! I probably should tell someone about this." She walks over to the Delicatessen counter, where she's directed to the Bakery counter across the way. The trip from one to the other brings her within 5 feet of me again.

"Hey, do you know what's really good for you?", she inquires, continuing, "Chromium Potintate." I say, "Potintate?" She continues, "Potinate, Potintate, something like that. It's this vitamin that you only take while you're dieting, but never any time else. Did you know I have all the secrets to good health? And I can give them to you! I had a car accident in 2003, and after that, I was 190lbs, but then I got down to 125lbs. You know what happened after that? I went back to 190lbs, and then back to 125! Then, after I talked to my doctor about this, I went to 143lbs. You know where I am now? 143lbs. I've been at 143 for a long time now! Oh, but eating healthy, I have all the secrets and I'd be happy to share them with you. Do you know where I live? Right there on Red Road off of Green Street, there's a house with 3 great big blue spruces in the back, and I'm the only house with those kind of trees in the back! And I have all this stuff I've grown and you can just come up to the back patio and there's food all over the place. You know, you want to get good topsoil and you want to use those black planting pots from Lowes. They're in the back corner to the right. Stuff grows the best in those!"

Now, I cannot attest to the order of the details given above but, I shit you not, it was all there and I'm probably forgetting more things. At this point, I was not annoyed. I was greatly amused. And I kinda felt sorry for her if her husband had a stroke and maybe wasn't a great communicator and she just needed someone to talk to. I didn't think there was any harm in giving her one of my "Nate's Garage & Bakery" cards so she could e-mail me whatever she was insisting I needed to hear. We'll see if that was a mistake or not.

As I give her the card, I say, "I'm Nate. You are?" "Rita", she says... "4 letters, just like you. I knew you were coming!" "Oh really?", I say. She goes on..."Hey, I have a story for you. There's a guy on a roof and the flood waters are coming up around him and... you've heard this one?" I had started to smile and nod, "Yeah, I think I have." She continues, any somewhat backwards phrasing being hers, not mine... "Well, you haven't heard it like this. Man on a roof, flood waters rising, and a boat comes by and yells up to him, 'jump in, we'll rescue you!'. And he says, 'not a chance', right? And they take off. So then a helicopter comes by and they lower this rope ladder down, and they yell down to him, 'climb the ladder, we'll save you', and they take off, he says, 'not a chance, no way'. So then this arch-angel comes down and says, 'I'll save you', and he says 'no way, get out of here'. Then he says a prayer. 'God, why am I here on this roof?' And God says to him, 'I sent a boat and a helicopter and even one of my arch-angels and you didn't accept any of my help.' And do you know where he went?"

Here, she paused for a moment, waiting for an answer from me. I was apparently caught off guard that she had actually stopped talking for a second and didn't say anything. She gives me a hint, "It wasn't up, it was the other way..." "Hell?", I guessed was what she was looking for. "That's right. Hell. Don't be the guy on the roof."

With that, she picked up the moldy loaf of bread again and headed over to the Bakery counter across the way. Was this over? I went back to looking for buns. I had enough time to finally peruse the rack I was in front of and almost made it around the corner to the next one.

From 30 feet away; "Oh wow, a WHOLE CARROT CAKE for only $1.99! 2 pieces for $1.39, or a whole cake for $1.99... which is the better deal?", she asked rhetorically, holding up one in each hand for me to see. "Ooh, and a whole German chocolate brownie cake! It's the last one..." She waves it tantalizingly at me. "All yours", I say. I continue to check the racks and settle on a package of whole grain hoagie buns before heading back to the produce section. This is where she, at this point, is picking tomatoes out of a large bin.

"These tomatoes are a good deal!", she exclaims. I tell her I'm worthless at picking out tomatoes and that they always end up tasting like crap. Then she sees mangoes and tells me, "you HAVE to get these." "No", I say, "I don't like mangoes." "They're really good!", she insists. "I don't like them", I insist. "They're good for you!", she re-insists. "I'm not very picky, but I just don't like mangoes", holding my ground. "Just try one!" "I HAVE! I don't like them! But what are those huge green things up there?" I both directed her away from the damn mangoes and towards what turned out to be papayas for $0.99 each. I picked one up, why not for 99 cents, and started to flick it with my middle finger like I knew how to pick out a ripe papaya, not having recognized what the big green thing even was moments before. She asks, "Why are you hitting it? Just eat it." Couldn't argue with that.

Thirteen milliseconds later, she says, "Have you ever had a Clif bar?" I had. "Not like these, you haven't, come here." Next to the produce section was the organic/health food/Clif bar section and they were on sale 10 for $10. She randomly grabs an entire display box off the shelf, "Look at this, Carrot Cake!" She then puts 2 of them in my basket and a couple in hers. Putting that box back, at the same time cramming the next box over to the back of the shelf since they were packed in tightly side by side, she grabs another entire box. "Chocolate Almond Brownie!" One or two go in my basket, same for hers. She does this for 5 or 6 different flavors, going from one box to the next, every single flavor. I now have a collection of Clif bars in my basket that I didn't intend to buy, but figured I'd ride it out and put them back later. As she picks up another box and starts dishing them out, I start counting the pile in my basket. She inquires, "What are you doing?" "Counting how many I have in here." At this point, I had gotten about 3 counted before she said, without looking, "You have 8." I'll be damned if she wasn't right.

She had gone through every box of Clif bars on two shelves and seemed to be done. I saw another row above them and asked, "What about Chocolate Peanut Butter, or Peanut Butter Crunch?" "No, you don't want the non-Clif brand." I point out the other row of Clif bars, "No, right here... and look, Blueberry Crisp!" She's excited about this new development and methodically goes through every one of those boxes as well. I end up with 12 Clif bars in my basket after weeding out some duplicates and threesomes and a foursome of Carrot Cake. I didn't want her to think I was out of control, after all.

She went back to her cart and I looked through the produce section, finding my onion and orange bell pepper for my Italian sausage. I looped back around and she was walking by on the way to the rest of the store. Suddenly, she stops and says, "Do you hear that? Kids! Oh, I miss my grandkids... I have 3, Billy, Bobby and Sue". Those aren't the names she said, but she held out her hand at different heights as she said each name. "I'm going to have to go say hi to these kids", she continued.

And with that, she was off.

I don't remember exactly where it fit in, but there was also an interaction with another shopper after Rita had found the hydroponic tomatoes, a 1lb-something box of 4 for $3.89, and proclaimed them to be a better deal then the large bin of loose tomatoes at 99 cents per pound. She held up her bag of 6 loose tomatoes that she had previously picked out and said, "Now I have to get rid of these, they're no good!" As she put them back in the loose tomato bin, she insisted to the other shopper, "No, those over there are a much better deal!" For whatever reason, the other shopper disproved the "better deal" theory out loud, but decided on the hydroponics anyways.

Later, as I cruised the meat counter, I heard her talking to one of the meat department workers who was stocking the refrigerated displays. She was telling him where she lived, with the 3 blue spruce trees in the back, the only house on the block with trees like that.

Rita, you likely aren't reading this, but whether you aren't quite all there or whether you just needed someone to talk to, I'm glad I could be there for you. Thanks for the story.

10 June 2011

Retelling a story

I've been watching The War by Ken Burns, a documentary about World War II. Again. I got hooked several years ago when it was shown on the PBS channel. Seven 2-hour episodes, it's one of the last things I remember making sure I could watch when it showed on TV. They focus on people from 4 cities around the U.S.; Sacramento, CA; Luverne, MN; Waterbury, CT; Mobile, AL. They interview a couple dozen people still alive at the time of the documentary who either fought in the war or who had family fighting in the war.

It's not that I enjoy war. I like knowing what went down and I like knowing details. How'd we get sucked into it? How'd we manage to take care of both Europe and Japan at the same time? Near as I can tell, WW2 was the last war where this country was provoked on our soil by another whole country. They started it (Pearl Harbor), we finished it. Had we all sat idly by being non-violent, my pacifist friends, things would be different now and maybe not in a good way. I don't like it...... but I understand.

But all that aside, one of the parts I like the most about The War is the stories some of the old folks have, and they found a few that can really tell a story. I think my favorite overall is Katharine Phillips, a woman from Mobile, AL, who has about the best southern belle drawl there is and she's a hoot.

The story I came here to post, though was from Ray Leopold of Waterbury, CT. It's a story from when he was stationed in the Ardennes Forest in France as the Germans were trying to break through... the Battle of the Bulge. To the best of my memory, and I forget what the special occasion was... perhaps Christmas. Imagine a troop who had been ill-equipped for cold weather, who was surrounded by Germans on all sides, who probably hadn't had a real bath in months, ready for this meal:

They had blown up our chow truck. So we had food stations scattered far apart so that if a shell hit, they'd only get 2 or 3 of us instead of a whole crowd of us. And we had our mess kits and we got them out and we'd go from station to station getting our meal.

At the first station, the man would put two slices of bread, side by side. Then we would walk down to the next station and, at this station, the man put this big, magnificent, half-inch thick slab of juicy roast beef that covered almost the whole two slices of bread. The next man dipped in and put a ladle of gravy over the roast beef. At the next station, we got a scoop of dried, reconstituted peas and carrots, off to the side. It was proper, and it was good. And at the last station, the man reached down and scooped up a huge ladle of chocolate pudding and he put it down right there on top of that wonderful roast beef, covering it from one side to the other. Now, I don't know if you've ever tried chocolate pudding on roast beef but, whatever insult that roast beef suffered from having chocolate pudding all over it, I still remember the taste to this day. And it was delicious!

You need a Ferd F-teenthousand!

Silly-ass cat

My musical fascination today comes from a Canadian by the name of Ewan Dobson.  I saw a video of him, the first one below, where he plays some trance-like music on an acoustic guitar (with the help of some reverb).  As is noted in one of the comments on YouTube, it's not terribly complicated (not that I could play any part of it), but it sounds cool.  And the guy seems to have a collection of Asian clothing.  I did some further searching and the guy really does have talent.  The second video below is about my favorite that I've found.  So, enjoy!

Time 2:



Motion Potion:

Sorry about that hiatus...

So I've been sick for a week and a half now.  I don't get sick often... maybe once a year on average.  Usually it's some chest cold and, while it may linger for a week or two, I'm not completely down and out for more than maybe a day or two.  As a point of reference, in the 13 years I've worked at Horner, I've maybe taken 3 days total as "sick" days due to some cold or virus hanging me out to dry. (This doesn't count an appendectomy and a broken arm.)

On Friday, March 4th, I started having a sore throat. Today is the 14th and I still have it.  This wasn't some run-of-the-mill sore throat.  I had strep throat in my younger days a time or two and this brought back memories of that... the level of pain was huge, so much so that it was hard to swallow anything, water included.  On Sunday, the 6th, I hit up the Immediate Care center.  Not strep.  Didn't tell me much else.  Hooked me up with Amoxicillan based on my telling them I was blowing rainbow snot.  I went home and started on my 'Mox.  Sunday night, I went ahead and called in sick for Monday barring a miraculous recovery overnight.

All day Monday, I felt like a toasted turd.  With a horrible sore throat.  Like, purposely spitting to keep from swallowing.  My bottle of 100 Advil started disappearing quickly.  I think I may have taken a 4 hour nap that day.  Following that, I felt bad enough that I didn't think I'd make it to work again, but good enough to go into the office that evening and grab some equipment so that I could work from home.  Tuesday, sure enough, crap.  Got some work done but continued feeling like crap.  I think I may have taken another nap, which then threw my sleep schedule to the wind... I ended up being up until well after midnight.

Wednesday, I took my THIRD sick day in a row.  By Wednesday afternoon, I was feeling much better.  I did have a sump pump issue that had cropped up with all the rain and felt well enough to crawl 5 feet into the crawl space to remedy that.  I actually felt better after I crawled out than I did before.

Thursday morning, I was back at work... still a sore throat that was subsiding, but I can sit in a chair behind a computer at work without using up personal time.  What I failed to do was bring any fluids or pain meds with me.  Thursday evening saw me coughing and feeling rather crummy again, sore throat back on full.

Friday morning after sleeping in, I felt well enough to go in but my voice had left me.  I ended up getting to work at noon.  Over the day, my sore throat started to migrate up my Eustachian tube to my left ear.  Then I made the mistake of having a bagel with cream cheese and triggering my wheezy-dry-cough lactose intolerance symptom on top of everything.  That wore me out.  Crashed Friday night around midnight and slept until I got up Saturday at 3PM.

At this point, I was on day 9 of a horrible sore throat.  The tally: 2 packages of Ricola Green Tea & Echinacia throat drops, 2 packages of Jolly Rancher hard candies, a finished-out bottle of 100 Advil, 2 gallons of Tropicana Trop 50 reduced sugar fruit juice (orange, pineapple/mango, and blueberry/pomegranate, if you're wondering), 3 Pho or Chicken Soup trips from my Vietnamese place, and untold hours of Hulu and Netflix.  And I had no voice.  My thoughts at this point, if not long before now; "This is bullshit."

Saturday evening, I went back to the Immediate Care (yes, I need to find a doctor). I whispered my issues to them, then to the doctor as he checked me out.  They put me in one of the kid-centric rooms since they had so many people in that evening.  I got to look at a whale and a big chart of what you can say to a child to let them know they're doing well.  The doctor played my belly like a drum and tickled me in my armpits (mononucleosis tests) and looked at all the boogers in my nostrils... I imagined he maybe read them like an old witch doctor who rolled some chipmunk bones out on a table or something.  He told me, "You're doing super, champ!" and "A-OK, hero!"

After telling me my sinuses looked wasted, he surmised Sinusitis was to blame.  Sent me away with a 'scrip' for Cipro and Vicodin, so I went and whispered sweet nothings to the pharmacy tech at Walgreens.  Went home, took a batch of Cipro and a couple Vicodin and went to bed.

Now, whether it was just the natural course of things or whether Cipro is just THAT badass, I was able to swallow without bracing or gripping something to death the next morning.  Still not gone, but much more tolerable.

So here's Monday, I'm feeling better (but still only about 70%), and I haven't posted anything on here for a full week... that is just how much zero I felt like doing last week.  And, gee, I feel bad.  Turns out, I found a treat.  Yes, it's the Top Gear guys, BUT IT'S DIFFERENT!!!  They evidently did a one-off episode of some garden show where they surprise a home owner with a garden/yard makeover before they get home from work.  It's a 3-parter (30 minutes and, coupled with the novella above, this should cover a week), so grab some popcorn and enjoy:

Part 1:



Part 2:



Part 3:

May the Friday be with you

My favorite Super Bowl commercial, by a long shot, was VW's ad, "The Force"... you know, little Darth Vader going about making the world do his bidding.  I actually saw it days before the Super Bowl on the internet somewhere, which leads me to believe that the Super Bowl will stop (or has stopped) being the first place we see Super Bowl ads.  Anyway, here's the original, but there's more below...




Just...... freakin............. *sigh*.  I WOULD DO THINGS LIKE THIS FOR MY CHILDREN!!!!

Anyway, turns out there's a "making of" video, a blooper reel, if you will, which is equally as cute....



And, for my final submission today, there's the Toyota parody...

Make-up day

So I was out of town early this week in Minneapolis for a work trip.  Looks like I have a few days to make up on.  Fortunately, I have just the thing.  So, sit back, grab some popcorn, enjoy the show.

Let's start with today's video... a cat video!  The subtitles kill me:



Alright, now here's a perfect occurrence; a three-part Top Gear feature.  I already showed you the one about how to kill a Porsche 911.  Here is one on how to kill a Toyota, parts 1, 2 and 3:

Some people really are this cool

Merry Friday to you all.

Today's entertainment comes from Mickey Rourke at an awards ceremony, probably hot on the heels of his movie, "The Wrestler".  Very good movie.  They turn him loose on the mic at this awards show and epic is what they get.

Here, officially, is your PROFANITY WARNING

Probably a repeat

I re-found these a couple of days ago in my quest to stock up on videos for this blog.  They're several years old but still quite creative.  I see myself doing something like this given the equipment (probably a Mac) and probably in my younger days.  So, sorry if they're a repeat for you, but I'm making up for it in the form of a two-fer.

First, Hyperactive:



Then, Amateur:

How to kill a Porsche 911

Today, Top Gear strikes again.  I'll be honest, there will likely be many more Top Gear clips in this blog in the future.

Just to get everyone on the same page, Top Gear is a British car-reviewing sort of show.  Some of what they test may or may not even be available here in the States.  And I can't say their reviews are always fair or reasonable or relevant to anything whatsoever.  It boils down to this... 3 car nuts having a LOT of fun, presented in a way that is entirely entertaining.  But first...

Ooh, a Nate character trait:

I am not a fan of misinformation.  I tend to correct things if they are wrong.  I get the feeling this makes me come off as an ass.  Sorry if I ever come off that way, my "don't be an ass" skills can be missing at any given time, but I won't apologize for correcting something that is not as it should be.  So this is informational, this is knowledge I'd like to impart on the masses (all 3 of you) who read this blog...

What's that singer kid's name that's all famous right now? Justin Bieber. I'm not a fan, but his last name is a good example of the point I'd like to make.  Is it pronounced "bye-ber"?  No, it's pronounced "bee-ber".  If I said, in a conversation, "that kid, Justin Bye-ber", would you correct me?  Probably.  I would hopefully appreciate that I learned something new and would try my best to remember it in the future so that I may pronounce it correctly from then on.

Let's move on to a different word: Porsche.  It is pronounced "porsh-uh".  A saying that has stuck with me; "You sit on a porch (porsh).  You drive a Porsche (porsh-uh)."  An explanation, "Porsche is a family name, and the family members pronounce their surname PORSH-uh, not PORSH!" (source: http://german.about.com/library/weekly/aa020401a.htm)

Join us next time for, "It's BIMMER, not BEEMER!  (...unless you're actually talking about a BMW motorcycle)"

Moving on:

So this is one of the first clips of Top Gear I ever saw, years ago, and it certainly helped drag me in.  I haven't been able to get enough ever since.  I can't say I agree with the sentiments towards the car itself... I've actually driven two old Porsche 911s in my life (a '73 and an '81), in an environment that was fully supportive of actually wringing them out, and they were an absolute blast.  I can attest to the point made about "the engine in the wrong place" that affects handling and I actually almost wiped one out on a highway exit ramp... in front of the owner...due to that particular characteristic.  (Yes, I went into the corner pretty hot, but he WAS chasing me down in a BMW M5.)  However, the entertainment value of this video supersedes what is done to this poor car which, in my opinion, wins anyway.

Without further ado, How to Kill a Porsche 911:

Hey baby

There are some creative people out there

If you haven't noticed, there are some checkbox "voting" categories below each post for Reactions... "Ha" for amusing, "HAHAHA!" for laughing-until-tears-in-my-eyes, "riveting" for the super-interesting, "badassedry" for stuff that is jaw-dropping or that takes some serious skill or courage or stupidity-that-happened-to-turn-out-well, and "WTF" for stuff that makes you think you've been slipped some LSD... or that the creator of the video or post is definitely on something.  Please, feel free to vote in as many categories as you think apply.  I always vote when I post one so you have an idea of what to expect.

Today, I'd like to introduce you to the WTF category.  For those of you who may not know, "WTF" is an acronym for "What The Fudge" only not usually that family friendly.  And there seem to be plenty of people posting videos to YouTube whose purpose seems to be to make your sole reaction a hearty, "What the ............ ????????"  This category tends to amuse me due to the complete randomness, if not also for the creativity that goes into some of it.

I've found a following of the WTF that is contained in today's video... therefore, this is probably something a few of you have already seen.  It's a little song and video about the Bagger 288, which is an enormous mining machine.  Someone thought to put an Asian-sounding vocal (subtitled for your convenience), proclaiming the greatness of the Bagger 288, over some piano music.  Just about the time when you think you can't take it anymore, it goes into a fast, electronic-techno chorus mixed in with some completely unrelated clips of various animals.  The result... well, judge for yourself.  Make sure you at least get to the first chorus starting about 45 seconds in:

Better shown than said

It's not a big secret that I'm not much of a sports fan... football, soccer, basketball... pro, college, whatever. I like baseball alright because I actually know most of the rules and can follow it.

However, if someone asks me what I really like, the answer is racing. If you're one of those who don't consider racing a "sport" because anyone can drive a car and that it doesn't require any sort of fitness, let me know if you feel the same way after you put a few 10-minute sessions in at a true karting track (not just your average mini-golf go-cart track) in a helmet and racing suit... until then, stuff it.

One might inquire, "Oh, NASCAR? IndyCar?" These, unfortunately, seem to be the only types of racing that get TV coverage in this country, which is sad. I've probably worn out the adage, "Real racers turn left AND right." The next step seems to be, "Oh, so F1?" While more interesting to me, still no. F1 cars verge on driving themselves in some respects and open-wheel racing does pretty much guarantee you're out of the race if you make much contact with anything.

When I tell someone what kind of racing I do like, I think they tend to glaze over a little bit, perhaps because it's something they've never seen or heard of before.  My answer is usually Rally car racing, which involves some truly amazing driving... but rarely with any other cars on the course at the same time.

But just now, watching an episode of Top Gear, I had a moment of "oh, man, THAT'S the stuff!!!"  I was literally on the edge of my seat watching the little homage they had going, pulse rate up, riveted.  I had forgotten how much it pulls me in simply because it's never shown here.  It was a piece on Touring Car racing.  This bit was on the British Touring Car Championship, but I think there's also European Touring and Australian Touring as well.  The cars driven have roll cages and other safety features and have the interiors removed and a souped up motor, but they're a good bit more stock than "Stock-car" NASCAR. And just watch... American cars did make their mark!

So, without rambling on further, here's the Top Gear clip... this is what will get me yelling at a TV screen because I'm THAT into it:

It's Friday

Been an alright week. Used the trailer for exactly the purpose (or, at least, one of the purposes) I got it for; helping some friends get moved. I geek out a little when I get to use the trailer, I'll admit.

So today's video... there's comments on Youtube about torturing a cat but, I don't know, cats can just be wack-jobs sometimes and I find this fairly amusing if you look past the part where cat food is getting ground into a carpet:

Indiana's very own...

Good day to you.

Leggies and Genglefun

So I've fired this sort of thing up before, all bloggity and junk. Never gotten far. Different approach this time, I guess. Will try to keep things humorous and not rant too much... unless it's humorous. And videos... there's a crap-ton of entertaining stuff to watch out there, I'ma try to post such things.

For starters, here's one. There's a series of these, but this is the one I saw first: